Chuck Palahniuk. Survivors (№ 410)

A guy's calling to say he's failing algebra.
Just for practice I say, Kill yourself.
A woman calls and says her children misbehave.
Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself.
A man calls to say that his car won't start.
Kill yourself.
A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts.
Kill yourself.
She asked "isn't This 555-1327? Is this the moorehouse Cineplex?"
I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
A girl calls and asks, "does it hurt much to die?"
Well, my dear, I tell her, Yes, but to continue to live even harder.