Book: Amok

Do you know, you, strange man, quietly sitting here in a comfortable chair, making a walk in the light, do you know what that means, when a person dies? Were you ever at the same time, have you seen how writhing body as bruised nails dig into the void, like wheezing larynx, as each member fights each finger rests in the struggle with the inexorable Ghost like eyes bugging out of their sockets from the horror that is beyond words? Do you worry it, you idle man, tourist, you talk about the duty to help? I have often seen it all, watched as the doctor... It was my clinical cases, a kind of reality... I have to say, I studied this - but experienced only once... I along with dying were in it and died together with her that night... that terrible night when I sat at her bedside and tormented his brain, trying to find something to invent, to invent against the blood which flowed and flowed, against fever, burn this woman in my eyes... against death, which came closer and I couldn't drive away. Do you understand what it means to be a doctor to know everything about all diseases, to feel a duty to help, as you so thoroughly noticed, and still sit without any benefit near dying, to know and to be powerless... to know only one thing, only the terrible truth that you can not help... it is impossible, even if revealing all the veins... to See helplessly bleeding favorite body, racked with pain, to count the pulse, rapid and discontinuous... fading under your fingers... to be a doctor and know nothing, nothing... just sit and mumble a prayer as a decrepit old woman, the face with a fist a pathetic God, which know that it is not. You realize it? You know?.. I... I just... don't understand, how... how can you not die in those moments... how can sleep, Wake up the next morning and brush your teeth, tie a tie... how to live after what I have gone through... feeling that it is a living breath that this is the first and only person I fought so hard, who wanted to keep all the forces of my soul slips away from me somewhere in the unknown slipping away faster and faster every minute, and I find nothing in his fevered brain, what could hold this man.

When a young man, he always think that illness and death threaten anyone, but not him.

European involuntarily loses his moral character, when moving from the large cities in the damn swampy hole. Sooner or later all will drive: some drink, others smoke opium, others fly into a rage and rage - one way or another, but all go nuts.