My crazy diary (My Mad Fat Diary) (№ 343966)

- I'm a horrible person, Kester.
- Why do you say that?
My mom asked me if I cared about the new baby. And I said "No". And the worst thing is that I really meant it. I'm not worried. It seems to me that I ruin everything. And the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. This applies not only to moms. They're my friends. And Chloe.
Because you can't fix other people until you fix yourself.
But I can't be fixed. Because I'm crazy.
- You're not crazy. If you want to be a good person to other people, that's where you should start.
I tried being nice to myself!
- Really?! Because you told me what a horrible person. You're just using what's happening with Chloe or your mum as another reason to hate myself.
- At each session You're telling me that I need to love myself, I need to start more about myself. In the course of many months. You sound like a broken record. But You never tell me how to start or when to start or where!
- Well, we'll start right now! Not tonight, not tomorrow, not after this Cup of tea. We'll start RIGHT NOW. Close your eyes. Now tell me that you don't like about yourself but be honest. Not clever, not angry. Be honest.
- I'm fat. And I'm ugly. And I ruin everything.
- Try to remember how long you feel that way.
I do not know. Nine or ten years.
- I.e. a view of yourself you created a long time ago. Open your eyes. I want you to introduce the tenth version of yourself sitting right there on this couch. This little girl who first believed she was fat and ugly, and she's confused. I want you to imagine that she's sitting here, right now. Tell this girl that she's fat.
- I'm not going to do that.
- Tell her she's ugly.
I don't want.
- Tell her she's a burden, worthless, useless. Because that's what you do every day in relation to itself. So, you think she's ugly?
- No.
Or fat?
- No.
- Or burden? Or awful? Or useless?
- Just stop! No! Okay? No.
- What would you say to that little girl? If she told you about how one perceives and feels, what would you say to her?
- She's fine. She is beautiful.
- That's what you need to tell yourself. Every time you feel anxiety, fear, panic, you need to soothe yourself as you would soothe the little girl. You need to tell yourself that everything will be fine. If you can do it, I promise you that you can do anything.