Book: Confessions of a former novice

Any mental activity other than the Jesus prayer in the monastery is considered to be unacceptable and even sinful. Sister learns not to trust themselves and their experience, their vision of reality, had almost led her to hell, and mentor - Mother. It is believed that such mistrust myself in everything and is the most important in the salvation of souls. It is very convenient: in this state, a person is easy to control - it can inspire anything, to get to do any "blessing" and to justify any actions of his mentor. This practice of control is carefully masked by a spiritual ideology that is justified by quotations from the Scriptures or Holy fathers, are often taken out of context. No wonder the most valuable virtues in the monastery are considered as unconditional obedience and devotion to the mentor (interestingly, not God).

The more time a person lives in a monastery, the harder it is to leave, because the identity of the person immersed in this environment: with certain emotions, beliefs, worldview, relationships. Life "in the world" if it was gradually forgotten, becomes something unreal.

She was about forty years old, but the face, despite the wrinkles, remained somehow quite childish. I've seen it often at the sisters who were in the monastery is almost children and lived all his life in obedience, cutting off his will in everything. Internal state, as a rule, also remained at approximately the same childlike level. They got old, not growing up. Here is the ubiquitous crybaby bullshit and resentment so peculiar to children. These sisters it didn't seem like something shameful.

Victor Hugo, Dostoevsky, Ostrovsky, Pushkin and some fiction. The monk sisters and novices of the Mother is not blessed to read any fiction, only the lives of saints and homilies of the fathers, so books had to hide from the sisters. If I was someone caught with a book like this, I would greatly Masham got.

All one after the other followed. Do not write you will write you. Nothing in this huge monastery could not keep his presence secret from the mother superior. The number of denunciations was measured by the loyalty of sisters Mother. Particularly zealous informer Mother complained about the ranks, they became older their obedience, assistants decently, my mother Kalaniemi, the elders in the monasteries, and then ihamaniemi sponsored mother monasteries throughout Russia.

Anyone not informed the heart is the fact don't open it.

... real monastic life is not such as it is described in the books.

For it was an important order, the Charter of her monastery, and people just need to adapt itself to the mechanism and make everything right. Adapted - well, no - you can leave. She often repeated the phrase, plucked from a book of some Athonite fathers: "Give or back off". She liked it very much.

Always afraid of those who yearn to rule over the souls. What are they doing with the bodies?

Fault was not only business but also the thoughts, and look or simply to be with the Mother on the way at the wrong time and wrong place. Everyone was sitting and thought with relief that today scold and shame him not, and the neighbor, so carried. And if the sister scolded, she wasn't supposed to say anything in my defense, it was regarded as a daring Mother and could only stronger than her anger.

Angry Mother was very scary. It was better silently to suffer a torrent of abuse and then apologize with the earth's bow. Especially in the classroom was usually given to "mothers" for their negligence, laziness and ingratitude. This is often used in sects. All against one, then against everything else.

... the talk at the meal was prohibited, everyone looked at their plates and ate quickly to catch up to the call.

The alarm bell has started to eat. First, the soup. The tureen had to bring out a clear sequence from older to younger. If you don't want the soup sit and wait for the next call. On the second bell was allowed to impose the second and salad. After the third bell - tea, jam, fruit (if any). The fourth call - the end of the meal. To put it can be no more than the fourth part of the second course, salad or soup. You can take only once, not to put, even if the food remains. You can take two pieces of white bread and two black, no more. Sharing food with anybody, to carry out, not to eat what was put in the plate, too.

A week after my arrival they took my passport, money and mobile phone somewhere safe. The tradition is strange, but so do all of our monasteries.