TV show: Dylan Moran: Monster (Dylan Moran: Monster)

I'm not a fighter, I am a tapper more. All I can hope for is to drown someone in their own blood.

The children add a lot of sentiments in life. These children's needs... They are endless! The kids who want cookies. The baby... wants her own jeep. Child need! When was the last time you saw a child who does not need anything? When was the last time your child said, "I had enough strawberry pie, thank you. Gonna go wash my car, okay?"

Life is harder. It is much harder. For women. Actually. Because even physically, when you're born, you know how from infancy people walk the journey of life. If you are a woman, come puberty, menstruation, and then afterwards, on the way to becoming a grown woman, can become pregnant, which would entail a whole bunch of physical changes. Then, just when you think everything is over, a new change. You know, like in Opera. Masks continue to fall on the floor: "Who am I? I do not know. It's not funny. I'll go crazy". But if you are a man you are born, one finger in the nose, the other member, and you become higher. That's all.

Male genitalia is pretty horrible. I think when a woman was designed by God or the team of Italian gay designers, no matter who was quite a good day. All rejoiced in each other, drank good wine, ate good food, just have a good time. "Cool place, a secret thing, a Cup holder, take away." And when he made man, was the second change just before the deadline of the order, late Friday in Warsaw, because they "Sculpt, people, bone, sculpt, sculpt, sculpt here... I forgot about the genitals, bring them... Take cracked elbows that remained of the woman... all right, get away". So to look at them so depressing. Like bagpipes covered in hair.

I'm a vegetarian, for example. But not strict. You know, I like meat. But only because I like the taste. So morally I won as far as I can tell.

Do not open your potential, don't open that door! Inside you'll find an older cat with diarrhea, sitting on the mattress with protruding springs, with bulging eyes, mewing at you. Smoking, most likely.

I know that speaking in General terms about women. I wouldn't want to generalize, it is vulgar. All I want to say - women have no feelings. Because men are much more romantic compared to women. Men are the people from whom you can hear the following: "I found her. She's amazing. If I can't be with this man, I am doomed. I can't control myself, I mean that she completely changed my life. I had a job, an apartment - none of it means anything. I can't survive this, I should be with her, because otherwise I'll end up in some hostel for the homeless, I'll become an alcoholic, to sell their latest briefs. I can't anymore to walk the streets." It's exactly the same thing that women think about shoes.

I respect different faiths. But if one of them believed, I would say that you are a moron. The fact that for me it is just people talking about their imaginary friend.

When people break up, they tell each other a bunch of crap. Be honest! Say, "Remember that weird sound that you heard when you fell asleep? I was chewing on the bed! From boredom! Oh, how I hate you! I hate you so much that it gives me strength. I had to get up early in the morning to hate you because a day is not enough time!"