Book: Eve's Apple

The whole problem of her life - a relationship with men. She was looking for in them God, who could worship and found only weak people. She was looking for them Dad - a world where you can hide where you can dissolve. But such men - a myth, they do not happen.

God gives us not what we ask him, and what He thinks is necessary for us.

The decision about the death that takes a person who is in deep spiritual crisis, of course, a kind of madness. But what to do? Madness and incompetence are two different things. The conflict of mind and soul reaches its final climax. And this is the worst, most difficult, most dangerous test, which only can befall a soul.
The soul who does not believe in death, not understanding that death is possible at all, driven by the mind of a desperate man into a corner. The logic of his reasoning at some point prevails over the power of the spiritual sense: if the world is evil, stupid, ignorant and cruel, what to do in this blessed soul? Mind like soul provides the last opportunity to say - "Yes, I agree to die."
There is something devilish... maybe, if the soul agrees to the death 0 this will be the moment of her true death? Maybe it really can kill?.. But the soul can not, can not... And although we have no logical reason to continue living if all that life suggests otherwise, but the soul... the Soul is grasping at straws.
Strange place God in a person's life. He plays the role of straw. Think about him in that moment, when all other arguments have exhausted themselves. He appears in our lives at the moment, it seems that even the stray dog would have refused us... the Poor in spirit - Yes, comforted.

Lost Duma is looking for signs. She's looking for messages from your own world. If she's right, if her memories of a world ruled by Beauty, not a hallucination, not a fantasy, but the truth is, this world must be here somewhere. And he needs to speak to her soul. He needs to tell her what to do, what to do, where to go, where to seek help and protection.
A soul searches for signs and notices that you speak with her. And talking to her... Always. The soul is not alone in this world. In this world, thousands, millions, billions of other souls. And among them are those that came here not only to pass your tests. They come to say...
But you need to be able to hear. You need to be able to listen. You need to be sensitive. You need to be empathetic. When one person tells another person they can exchange information. On a more subtle level at the same moment talking to their souls. They are cooing like doves - you can't understand the meaning, but you know what it is. But we listen to the mind, not the heart. The mind of man is always selfish, all questioning, resisting.
People repel each other, although their souls have not had time to tell each other about the main thing. And often it is those people whom we push back forcefully, tell us what to hear is important to us...

First soul belonged to a world where rules an absolute Beauty. And now the soul can not believe that she could reach the end of the fall. She does not believe that there is an end, maybe. She was not able to imagine that is the final point beyond which there is nothing. Even after falling, crashed into the blood, she continues to live, she continues to seek a way out.
The beauty that she felt in the next world with all his being, was so massive, so majestic and all-powerful... How is it possible to believe that somewhere, at some point of the universe field strength becomes thinner so that it no longer does? Have divine Beauty can be a limit?.. Is it possible to believe that infinity is the line?
What if it's a milestone, indeed, exist?.. The very suggestion seems blasphemous soul, but she could tell his mind? What she can say to her languishing in the torments of the body? What she can say?.. And those, in turn, are not silent. Mind and body in one voice say: "it's over! This is the end!" The soul is left alone with his faith. One-on-one... And something in it is breaking.
When "all is well", the soul prevents our full, stupid, pointless, smug happiness. Her restless, she needed flight. When "everything is bad", when we lose all hope, it prevents us otherwise. It prevents us from dying... But isn't it impossible to cheat?

If you think life is a task that needs to be solved, life seems complex to you. In the moment when you realize that the puzzles called "life" there is no decision, you know the despair. It would seem that the time to abandon the idea that before you the equation... But it would mean the loss! And, not wanting to lose, you begin to settle scores with own life. It's like you call her to a duel. If you do not win, then at least have a chance not to lose, to perish together with the enemy... You shoot yourself to kill her. Crazy decision seems to the mind in this terrible time is the only true...

At the time of his fall the soul seemed transformed into a stone and beats everyone who was in her way. She looks like a blind tool of the Rock. Evil, ruthless and unscrupulous Rock. Everything stops for it to have any value. She is so hurt that she can only defend. And defended from everything, from all - from enemies, friends, windmills...
When you are experiencing the utmost pain, you stop thinking about the fact that someone can be painful. On the contrary, you suddenly begins to want to have all suffered and suffered like you. You wish them evil. However, you have to understand something else: no one will ever understand and will not rise to your pain. No one ever. And the realization of this idea becomes more painful. You're one on one with the infinity of suffering.
That's the ultimate point of selfishness: when the soul, having lost the previous memory about the Beauty of losing the old knowledge of "good", becomes cruel. Can the soul to do evil? If she could destroy the Beauty? Unfortunately, Yes. Can. It is no coincidence that the Yin in the philosophy of the Tao, reaching the limit, turns into Yang and Vice versa. Everything that reaches the limit, becomes its own opposite.
Angel turns into a Demon...

Soul is free from the conventions, but before she knows it, she follows "the rules". It is, however, a person understand, that the world is one big illusion as his heart gets the desired freedom. This is the purpose and meaning of the crisis that is going through a soul "meat" of the clip itself from the external environment, which she long believed to be the only possible and correct.
When the line is crossed when the conditional character of dispensation the world begins to be perceived by the person as a Convention, his soul is likened to the rider, who suffered a horse. The soul, indeed, moving full speed ahead, not assorting road, not obeying his rider. This condition, in fact, terrible, because the person loses all control of himself, but at some point, this madness begins to bring him indescribable pleasure...
Taking the decision to "die", it ceases to cling to life. It folds its wings and enjoy its free fall. The soul received a new experience of life one day. It seems that this is the moment "now" that is life. Now everything becomes so simple, clear... Everything you can think of, opens it in his impartiality, in his innocence and bezgramotnosti.
The pleasure of losing control. Enjoy life in which there is no yesterday, no tomorrow, only today. The pleasure of relief efforts.
Like tomorrow will never come... And it will come.

Soul like a baby bird. Coming into this world, she looks at him from the parent nest. She can sing and have a fun, carefree look around, enjoying the beautiful views. The innocence of a child is happiness of the soul. But time passes, people get older and there comes a point when someone pushes his soul out of the nest. But we are not talking about the parental home, it is about that house that grew inside of the man.
This inner home, this is the internal way of his life - his worldview, his view of the world, his view of himself. It's his dreams, hopes, desires. And this house is crumbling. It turns out that life is different. It anyone don't care about your hopes or your desires. Anyone. To her and to you, it is nobody's business, because everyone is busy only with their hopes and desires. Everyone is busy only with themselves.
And opens up the abyss, and the soul is shaken. So you can fly, you should start to fall. You should see the bottom of your life that was born inside you need to soar upwards. And because the soul, without knowing it, looking for the bottom, the extreme degree of the fall, without which its true, full power flight impossible. She drops down, she is ready to break and die... This supposed desire for death is actually a desire for true life. But if she knew, she would have rushed down...

When the soul is in pain, her sense of life is dulled. She seemed to disorientated, loses its place in space. Gender changes she places with the ceiling. And the ceiling from the floor - she now knows. If before a soul could distinguish "good" from "bad", now she's totally confused - "good" and "bad" turned to her in an empty sound.
From pain, from intolerable agostoli of his suffering, the soul - like a stunned fish. She doesn't know what she should do and what, on the contrary, it should not be done in any case. She's a mess. It's like she carries a huge, uncontrolled current. It is often in those moments, with "stunned" the soul commits all of its most terrible nonsense, terrible and unforgivable mistakes.
Yet in this so strange, so painful, that even in that painful condition - there is something very, very important to the human soul. When you are lost, blurred the edges of reality, when leveled and conventions disappear, the soul first sees the world as if from outside. It is separated, as if levitated. She realizes that she and peace are not the same.
This is only the first step - it all starts with the infinity of solitude.
The first but very important...

When you hurt, you feel weak. When you feel hurt, you feel anger. When you are tearing from the pain, you have everything, still. Exactly. I just want warmth and caring. Any concerns from anyone. At least someone... I Want to feel that even for someone you valuable. At least a little... Even just a little. I just want to feel. Emotional death is when you really want, but can't... love. In addition, keeping a great desire. A huge, devouring you... desire.

Sometimes the soul seems to be that it's quite simple - to jump out of the maze in which she's held "passion" and "good." You just need to make a decision, and it's done. And the soul does not understand, can not understand that the maze and its fate in our world. That it is impossible to deny, can't pretend it doesn't exist and it doesn't matter. It is, and it's Fate.
Attempts to close eyes to reality, to create an illusory world is one of thousands of the sweet temptations of the soul. She paints a fairy-tale castle, she paints a world in which everything is simple, everything is right, everything is beautiful. The soul draws his castle, the memories, the traces of memories of a world where Beauty reigns. Only one problem - he that a lock is drawn, not real.
In fact, the soul remains all the same game with her "passions" with the idea of "good". Found a way - just a new configuration of the old forces, nothing more. The life of the soul in the body - the conclusion in solitary confinement. And the output that it "finds" is only the fruit of its sick imagination, her hallucinations.
Where there are interlocutors, the soul speaks with its own phantoms. And is terrified when, suddenly, aware of its own loneliness.

The soul is holistic, not divided into parts. It has no contradictions and internal struggle. But kazasis in the human body, it is in the tension field of opposing forces. It is motion of a charged particle between "plus" and "minus" between what can be called "passions" and what we usually call "good".
Our idea of "good" and "good" is not the truth of the world. Our idea of "good" and "good" is an algorithm that is created by mankind, wanting to protect himself from his own passions. Our passions - the flesh - part of this world. Light and dark - doesn't matter, their goal is always domination. Anger, fear, love - they all yearn for power...
The soul craves "power" and aspires to "be good". Both illusions. But she doesn't know about it. When her devouring passion, the soul, the excellent passion. When passion consumes itself, the soul rushes to "good". These forces play with her like a pack horse with a little defenseless mouse. However, the soul it seems that she does domestic work and growing.
Journey of the soul - a journey through the labyrinth with no exit. But I think there is a solution. Need time to realize how fruitless her search...

The soul knows neither space nor time. And because she is not born and does not die. She only leaves her home and returns to his home. And her house - not a world that we know, and not the human body in which it appears, having left his abode. Her world is Beauty.
It's hard to explain and impossible to understand that you can't even imagine... How it will Express? The soul is a particle of the world of Beauty. Angels world - "big" shower that came into our world thousands of times. Come along with all and underwent the same tests that are given to everyone, but not everyone be able to do. Angels are not the ones who rule the world, the angels are the people who know him.
Leaving the world of Beauty, the soul suffers. In our world, it lacks the former, the true Beauty that was her happiness. And she begins the search. She is looking for what I lost. She is looking for in our world Beauty. But it is deceptive: it is the senses, and the true Beauty inside of her not to see and not touch. How to find out what is behind the facade, if you not allowed inside?..
And the soul is deceived. Flying on the beauty you see and lose the Beauty that brought...