Author of quotes: Jimmy Carr

With comedians it's simple - the audience reacts to a joke, laughing or not laughing. And so you either love us, comedians or just don't understand why people laugh.

I have published a book about poltergeists. Happy to report that it flies off the shelves.

The most widespread superstition is the belief in horoscopes. And there's a name for people who believe in horoscopes, they are called single women.

99% of women kiss with their eyes closed. That's why it is so difficult to recognize the perpetrator.

You look at me with pity, Madam. I don't need your pity. Me not much endowed by nature, but I admit it, don't get upset about this and not ashamed.

I hate indecisive people. Although, not sure...

- Describe yourself in three words.
- Smart, active, clever, attentive.

I'm not arrogant. I'm too busy thinking about things you do not understand.

My ex-girlfriend gave me the Kama Sutra. As a result, I was in a very difficult position.

If during the date the girl stroking your hair - this is a good sign. But if pubic - this is a sure thing.

I recently learned that the worst response to a question from a girl: "My butt big in this?" is not "Yes". The worst thing you can say, "Wait, let me go away to see her completely."

Once I had an out of body journey. I was beside myself.

I recently watched a documentary on Channel 4 about religion. And there someone said, "of Course, Scientology is an invented religion."
I thought, "unlike what?"

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you look like you landed on your face.