Character: Nick Miller (Nick Miller)

I tried on my cousin's wool tights once and loved the feeling!

- Nick, wear pants or at least very high socks.
- Then it will be high socks!

You heal the external wounds by rubbing them with alcohol, and the internal ones by using it. The science.

I can't go to jail! I'm too sarcastic for white gangs!

- I'm writing a book about Chicago: it will be alive, it has a lot of personal... and it doesn't exist! So if I don't write twenty pages by three o'clock, I'll get a slap in the face.
- From whom, from the editor?
- No, I've hired special people to do it, so I don't even know who it will be.
- I can cut you in for free.
- No, I've already paid other people.

The only thing that matters is if you're the guy when you need him. Otherwise you're Dating a wall.

I once saw a priest drop his keys, leaned over and picked them up. It was so human that I stopped believing in God.

- I'm saving myself, I eat salads without dressings, mostly protein...
- What kind of salad did you eat?
- Cut a bit of ham...
Is that all?
Yeah. Greens do not like. It's weird to eat green.
- Your pathetic attempts.
Is not an attempt, ham had a lot.

Where are you, Schmidt? It's so pathetic, I don't even know what fork to stab herself.

Sex is the only reason to be friends with exes.

I don't deal with exes. They are part of the past. I have to burn them and send their ashes to Poseidon.

I need to tell my girlfriend that I don't love her, so she didn't dump me.

Like if you were a Sunny day? No, Sunny day - not a slut.

- Julia sent me a cactus... She went to China and all of a sudden sent me a cactus... I'm not an idiot. She wants to break up with me.
- Who told you that? Cactus you say? This is one of those cacti-predictors?