Character: Charlie Harper. Page 3

Bertha, we will have a new Pope! He's so cool! He bought us prostitutes and jelly!

What do you see?
- Easy porn...
Kind of not easy...
- I do not know, did not raise...

- You had a date?
- Not a date, just sex.
- What is the difference?
- Fifteen hundred dollars.

- Well, why do you hide them?
I don't want to start this conversation.
They secretive?
- No.
- Impatient?
- No.
- Rubber?

Alan was interested in the women that you meet. Why do they not introduce?
Really? And what did you tell him?
- Due to the fact that he is nasty... I also told him that you love him and don't want him used to any woman, in case you did not come.
- Well done! Thank you.
- And me why do they not introduce?
Because you're disgusting!

- I watch TV?
- Why not? Eyes and ass you have.

- Never date a women living near the airport, in their home not go to sleep.

Today she invited me to her home. It seems she wants sex.
- With whom?
With me.
You? Wait... No, in hell, the snow went flying pigs, too, has not been seen.
- What do I do?
- Do you know? Alan, you've been married twelve years!
- What has marriage to have sex?
- Okay, all right. You want a tip?
- No, I do not. I need detailed instructions.

- How long does this last?
- Are you talking about?
Is binge drinking, endless partying, haphazard bets.
It is hard to say. Will try to make it through the day.

- Now you will agree that it's time for you to lose momentum?
- Yes, Yes. Strangely, Alan, I could go on all night, eat and drink what I want. And now two cans of red bull and waffles and I'm in the hospital, which would release gases.
- Now you understand why I ordered tomato juice and cottage cheese?
I have to admit, you care about yourself. That's why I keep you at his side.
Because I'm a good example?
- No, for spare parts.

- So, drinking in the dark?
- When I started, it was still light.

- Mom, what do we owe for this unexpected...
- Fun?
- Nooo...
- I was showing a house in your neighborhood and decided to visit the ones you love.
- They weren't home?

- We'll go for a swim in the ocean?
- Let's talk about it when I stop pounding my head.
- Why do you have a headache?
- Yesterday had a little too much wine.
- Why do you drink wine if you it is bad?
- People don't like fucking clever, Jake!
That's a dollar. You said "fucking".
- Here, take the twenty - before lunch should suffice.

- Remember, you're punished. No TV, computer or video games! Charlie, you will be my eyes and ears.
- And you'll be my liver and prostate.