nonviolent communication [Theme]

Recognizing another person's need does not mean that we agree with it or want to satisfy it, but at least we are trying to meet each other halfway.

It may happen that we cannot immediately name the corresponding need. However, another will surely notice that instead of protesting and making excuses, attacking in response, or fleeing, we continue to listen to him. This behavior is unusual, it is surprising. As a rule, after the first words, the tone decreases. Another replies: “Yes, that’s so, I really would like you to ...” or “No, that’s not so, I wanted you to ...” And slowly we begin a dance that brings us closer.

Awareness and expression of our need, its differentiation from expectations in relation to the partner, on the one hand, opens before us the possibility of various solutions, including the intervention of the partner, but not only it, but on the other hand, provides the freedom of the partner, that is, the ability to say: "I understand your need, and at the same time I have another need. What can we do to take care of both? That your need should not be met at my expense and mine at your expense?"

By naming a need, we, on the one hand, clarify what we know about ourselves and take full responsibility for our experiences, on the other hand, we inform the partner about what is happening, while respecting his freedom and his responsibility. We suggest that he take responsibility, not submit. We invite him to a dialogue with himself, which does not exclude a connection with us.

Why is it so difficult for parents to listen to a teenager? Most often because it seems to them that they have to do something, come up with something, achieve a result, find a solution - as quickly as possible. However, it happens that they do not see a solution and feel powerless or tired of trying to find one. And in order to get rid of the tension, fear or fatigue caused by powerlessness, they flee, denying the problem ("But this is not so important ... You are exaggerating ... Make an effort on yourself ... Life is not always easy ..."), or react aggressively ("You yourself guilty, you are not trying well ... If you would have taught your lessons better ... "). Instead of just taking the time to meet the child halfway by listening carefully.