Book: The Bridget Jones's Diary.. Page 1

Woke up all alone, and immediately began to imagine my mother in bed with Julio. I'm grossed out imagining or polyradiculitis parental sex; outrage on behalf of father; selfish optimism at the thought of thirty years extramarital passion, which I still have (not without the help of the appeal to the examples Goldie hawn and Susan Sarandon); but mainly an incredible sense of jealousy and bitterness due to the fact that on Sunday morning, lying in bed alone, like an idiot, while my mother, who is over sixty, probably going to do this right now, in this moment... Oh, God. Can't bear such thoughts.

A wise man would say that Daniel should love me for who I am, but I brought up the magazine "cosmopolitan", I have complexes because of supermodels and endless quizzes, and I know that my intellect and my body will be too far from ideal, if you hope only on their own resources.

Oh, my God. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Why? Why? Why the world is so constituted that people who do not have a romantic relationship, you feel like idiots when everybody knows that romance doesn't work that way. Look at the Royal family. Look at mom and dad.

In the end, there is nothing more unattractive to a man than radical feminism.

Studies have shown that happiness stems not from love, health or money, but from the desire to achieve the goal. And what is a diet if not a desire?

Ah, why am I so unattractive? Why? Even a man who wears socks with bees, and he thinks I'm terrible.

Like men who are late - they are much better than those who come before, scares you, sends you into a panic and finds the house unsightly items that you don't have time to hide.

In certain moments of life when things go wrong, and you don't know where to turn up, as if everywhere around you slam a rusty iron door. All you have to do is to be a heroine, have courage and do not sink into drink or self-pity. Then all will be well.

And yet, there are a few additional thoughts: some women insanely confident just because their former beloved still want them to come back to them (as long as those old lovers don't marry someone else, ha ha).

I kind of thought she was pregnant, but in fact knew that no, it's like you're coming home late at night and you think someone is coming for you, although I know that in reality it is not.

... homosexuals and single women who are over thirty, in many ways similar: both those, and others constantly disappoint their parents, and society looks at them as abnormal.

For some reason I got mad at Daniel. He's also responsible, but he did not have to spend eight pounds ninety five pence, hiding in the bathroom and pee on a stick...

Being a woman is worse than being a farmer. So much to fertilize and to clean: remove candle wax vegetation on the legs, shave the underarm hair; to pluck eyebrows; a heel scrub with a pumice stone; the roots of the hair tinting; skin clean scrub and moisturize with a cream; acne disinfecting lotion; nail rasp; eyelash dye; cellulite massage; abdominal muscles to strengthening exercises. And the whole labor process must be perfectly balanced - should you be distracted from him for a few days, and all efforts will come to naught. Sometimes I'm horrified to imagine what I would look like if returned to its natural appearance, given to me by nature: on each drumstick at his thick beard with long mustache, overgrown eyebrows; on the face a graveyard of dead skin cells with tombstones in the form of acne; long curving nails, like a vampire; eyes blind as the mole, and I squint stupid, like ancient old, as no contact lenses, and saggy body sways from all sides. Oh, no. Is it any wonder that women are so insecure?

Notice how often my friend Tom, it's amazing how much time and money you can save on dates, if you look closely to the details. Here white sock, there's a couple of red stripes, grey shoes, swastika - it's not all the little things that help to make the conclusion that it makes no sense to write down phone numbers and to fork out on expensive dinners, since anything will come of it.