Book: Before I fall

Perhaps we are all patchwork, and, moreover, is not quite correct.

He puts his hand on my neck and attracts. My lips are tingling from the touch of his soft lips. I close my eyes, and in the dark bloom beautiful flowers, swirling like snowflakes, and a Hummingbird my heart flutters wings in tact. I dissolve, disappear, floating in the void, just in my dream, but this time it feels like I'm floating, like I'm totally free. With the other hand he takes the hair from my face; I feel every touch of his fingers and think about the stars falling from the sky and leaving behind a glowing trail. In this moment - how long it lasted, seconds, minutes, days, - when he breathes my name me on the lips and it is mixed with my breath, I realize that it was my first real kiss.

Now I know Lindsay is not fearless. She's scared to death. Fears: people finding out what she spends her whole life lying and cheating, pretending to holds everything in his fist, but actually floundering just as we are. Lindsay is ready to grab the throat in one sidelong glance, like a small barn from those that are always barking and biting the air until the chain does not constrict the neck.

Inner desolation so deep that it ceases to seem empty and starting to feel relief. So that's what it feels like when you drift wave. That's what you feel in the moment when a dark shoreline disappears behind the horizon and you roll over on his back, contemplating the stars, sky and water that are around, like a hug. When you spread your hands and think "Well, okay."

For a moment I close my eyes, imagining what it's like to lie beside him in the dark, imagining the touch of his hand. Suddenly I realize how it's impossible between him and me. When I open my eyes, he still stands by and waits to be such a normal and cute. He wants the girl in a cashmere sweater that perfectly solves crossword puzzles, or playing the violin, or working in soup kitchens. Good, normal, honest girl. Abdominal pain intensifies, sitting there like a wild beast and eats my insides. I'll never be good enough for him. Even if I have to live this day until the end of time, I'll never meet him.

Abdominal dull pain erupted. All night, all day - I wanted to be near him. And now I have no time.

In my mind it was much easier. In my mind Kent leaned over and once again touched my lips, gently and tenderly. I desperately want to fix, want to return the feeling that was experienced last night - we experienced last night, he had to feel it, but I'm afraid all my words are just going to ruin it. It fills me with a fleeting sadness that I lost. Somewhere in the endless cycle of eternity lost forever that only a tiny fraction of a second when our lips met...

Disappointment is so hard and real that I can taste it, bitter lump in his throat.

Yes, he is selfish, not too bright, too much drinking, flirting with other girls and for the life of me not able to take off the bra, not to mention everything else, but in the future he will grow up and be able to make some girl happy.

It's amazing how easily things change, how easy it is to go along a familiar road and end up in a totally unexpected place. Just one false step, one hesitation, one circuitous path and you'll meet new friends or a reputation to uphold, you will find a new mate, or will break with the old. I never thought about it, was not able to understand. I have a strange feeling that all these possibilities exist at the same time, like each moment we live thousands of others, the different, superimposed on each other moments.

After death everything changes, probably because it gets lonely.

If you cross a line and nothing happens, the devil did not make sense.

You can't believe everything you hear.