Author of quotes: Dean Delis

Watch your negative emotions rule "50: 50" do Not focus on how justified your negative emotions. Imagine that about 50% they correspond to the real problems and 50% are far-fetched.

Strategy 3: leave love aside
This is one of the unusual aspects of my therapy: I ask couples to discuss problems leave love alone. The use of the word with the letter "l" makes it difficult to talk about the relationship.

Starting to explore their behavioral schemes, remember that first and foremost we should strive to articulate their thoughts, avoiding an accusatory tone, recognizing that the conflict involves both of you. Talking about problems often useful to use this approach and support it with key phrases for example:
"looks like we caught in a vicious circle";
- "apparently, we don't understand each other";
- "I think each of us pulls the blanket over himself".
The basic idea of communication without accusations is this: "it Seems we are caught in a vicious circle - you had a natural reaction that I, too, there is an understandable reaction; she, in turn, causes your..."

Oddly enough, but when a couple perceives emotions and quarrels as normal, it is easier to recover from them. Partners take your anger and are ready to deal with the root causes of the conflict situation. A flash of rage, if you know how to deal with them, pave the way for healing communication. Knowing in advance that the conversation about the relationship could give rise to scandal with mutual recriminations, you won't be so depressed when this happens. Reassured, you will be able to reformulate their arguments and go to the recovery phase. To start with a phrase like: "I'm Sorry, I overreacted, but even the good that we all expressed to each other. Now let's understand easily in our relationship."

Defusing the situation
This incredibly effective method is easily acquired, but difficult to use. When you burn with rage, that you do as a therapist and writer from Northern California Dan Wylie calls "a preliminary analysis of the threat of gusts."
Let's examine the first phrase, said Beth during a fight with miles. She started with the accusations that he called, stopping, and that he cares more about the restaurant than about her daughter. Referring to the damaged reputation of her husband, Beth hinted that he might have another affair. Miles received these direct and indirect charges to face, barely crossed the threshold. Naturally, he counterattacked. If Beth had previously considered the wording of his outburst, he expressed it like this:
Miles, you know I am dissatisfied with you because you came home so late without telling me. I don't want to come back to this, so let's talk now.
Feel the difference: Beth was not charged, she said she wants to accuse. Revising the wording, Beth went from problems but I tried to get a constructive conversation without provocation.
Miles, too, could answer otherwise.
You know, I was afraid you'd be angry with me for being late, and tuned in to the scandal. But you're right. Let's just talk.
A preliminary analysis of the threat of ruptures, discharging the situation, suppress the quarrel in the Bud. It creates a buffer between the impulse to scandal and real conflict. And it opens the door to a healing conversation.

Claiming the beloved is dangerous because it manifests the anger on the leader because he doesn't behave as he wants emotionally dependent partner. "Strong" should be next to no hints, and it happens infrequently, so the requirement to be together, hint him how to act loving person. However, this lesson only inspires the student for the resistance.

The feeling of possessiveness - a vivid demonstration of the need to monopolize the elect. It often warns the "strong", as in our case miles, about the emotional hunger partner. And as we all know, automatically repels.

The behavior of the jealous partner becomes "strong" curse, because it reflects the emotional dependency and tenacity is "weak."