Book: Stop being good! How to stop adjusting to others and become happy. Page 1

It seems to me that in everyday life - even if our actions, thank God, do not end in tragedy - we sometimes act like robots or expect others to act like lifeless, soulless, insensitive robots: “You have to succeed ... You have to work ... I have to go to school ... I have to take out the trash can ... I have to earn a living ... In such a situation, I have no choice ... "

We experience the greatest joy in resolving conflicts only when we manage to exacerbate them.

Recognizing another person's need does not mean that we agree with it or want to satisfy it, but at least we are trying to meet each other halfway.

It may happen that we cannot immediately name the corresponding need. However, another will surely notice that instead of protesting and making excuses, attacking in response, or fleeing, we continue to listen to him. This behavior is unusual, it is surprising. As a rule, after the first words, the tone decreases. Another replies: “Yes, that’s so, I really would like you to ...” or “No, that’s not so, I wanted you to ...” And slowly we begin a dance that brings us closer.

Are we so incapable of expressing our thoughts that we need the energy of anger to express everything that has boiled over?

It is not the other person's responsibility that my cup is overflowing. I am responsible for not taking care of the regular devastation. And regularly emptying the bowl suggests that we should be sincere, not nice!

If we cannot give ourselves a proportionate, fair assessment, there is a great risk that we will spend our lives desperately seeking disproportionate evaluation from others.

If we go against our needs, someone has to pay for it: ourselves or others.

We all know how to do for the pleasure of the other, but we don't know how to be – just be – ourselves.

Systems theory teaches us that any system tends to sustain itself. This is the law of homeostasis. In every system – in the family, the married couple and many other relationships – differences and disagreements inspire fear, as there is a risk that they will compromise the system or destabilize it. Embraced by fear, we often tend to try to urgently restore unanimity, either through control or through submission. Often, in order to regain family, marital or other mutual influence, that is, the stability of our system, we impose our decisions, forcing everyone to agree, or immediately, without discussing, subdue, which leads to flight or aggression. There is no rapprochement.
But conflict can contribute to development. It provides an opportunity to strengthen our sense of security, autonomy and ability to listen and empathize. It encourages us to contact with ourselves and with others, that is, to develop both inner firmness and flexibility. It is an occasion for joint growth and awakens creative forces.

To communicate at ease, we need to be sure that if the other says "yes", then it is "yes", and if he says "no", then it is "no".

Of course not, this is not "all" that prevents us from being ourselves. What gets in the way is how we ourselves "all this" see, how we experience our relationship. What prevents us from being who we are is that our needs for security and trust have not been given the proper attention to evolve and make it easier to experience "it all."

<...> more often than not we do not understand our needs and are guided by habit or duty, "because it is necessary ... I have no choice," and soon our partner or the business we are doing is perceived by us as a hindrance to be by themselves. In addition, the partner has to pay. The process of violence is launched openly or covertly. If we slowly understand ourselves, then we will give ourselves the opportunity to completely surrender to what we are doing.

To allow all the particles of our soul to exist, and not to suppress one of them, means to start living. If we suppress a particle of ourselves, not accepting it, we keep in ourselves this particle beaten to death, on which we did not put an end to it, because we did not allow it to live. Then this particle beaten to death with all its weight presses on the living particles of our soul and destroys our energy.