Category: funny quotes. Page 1

- Sometimes it seems to me that you need to speak from your heart more often and think less.

- Hope so.

- What is there to disassemble here? Where the horse's tail is, there is the front, and where your honor sits, there is the back...

“She came out on her own,” said Oska, “little by little from the monkey.”

And just a vocational school graduate!..

This is “w-w-w”... for a reason. The tree itself cannot buzz. So, someone is buzzing here...

I would give away a full cup of oatmeal (horrible disgusting!) if someone explained to me why autumn, why winter? The alley has such impassable mud that I have only seen under a rhinoceros in a zoological garden. Wet. Bare branches clap against each other and sneeze.

There is no one in the house. A dog wind blows in all the cracks (why a dog wind?). In general, the wind is a fool: it blows in a bare park, and there’s nothing there to pick. In the yard I still deal with it somehow: I’ll stand with my back to the wind, my head down, my legs apart - and “I don’t give a damn,” as the gardener says. And you can’t hide anywhere from this bandit in the room. He bursts from under the door, through the window cracks, through the fireplace hole, and squeaks, and whines, and howls, as if his mother were a dog. He has no muzzle, no throat, no belly, no backside. I can’t figure out what he’s blowing...

I came up with a thing. It’s very embarrassing, but what can you do? You have to eat. When the rain subsides, I sometimes run to a nearby place to visit a familiar baster maker. In the evenings he dances to the gramophone. They dance the foxtrot. Must be a dog dance. I’ll stand on my hind legs, pull up my stomach, spin around and nod my head. All the couples will stop dancing... They will gather in a circle and laugh so hard that you can’t hear the gramophone. And they order me such a portion of meat that I can barely get home. Moreover, I’ll bring a veal bone in my teeth for breakfast... That’s how much you have to humiliate yourself for the sake of hunger!

Kittens! Tell me please!... Their mother, a cunning creature, disappears in the park for the whole day: she sniffs and is gone, like a mosquito in a Christmas tree. And I have to play with her children... One licks my nose. I licked it too, although for some reason my teeth suddenly clicked... The other one was sucking my ear. Am I his mother, or what? The third climbs onto my back and scratches me as if they were scraping me with a grater. Rrrrrr! Hush, Mickey, hush... Zina laughs and chokes: you, she says, are their cousin.

But you wouldn’t go to your bad mother to slurp cabbage soup with mudami.

Do you remember how, as a child, I told you that germs live on your hands, so you need to wash your hands more often. And you washed them only so that your microbes would become clean and they would live well.

- Whose law? I thought we were a democracy? And democracy is based on the public decision of the people.

There is a monument to Lenin in every city. In any regional center. Orders of this kind are inexhaustible. An experienced sculptor can sculpt Lenin blindly. That is, blindfolded. Although there are some funny things. In Chelyabinsk, for example, such a case occurred. A monument to Lenin was to be erected in the central square, opposite the city council building. A solemn meeting was organized. One thousand and a half people gathered. Pathetic music sounded. Speakers made speeches. The monument was covered with gray cloth. And now the decisive moment has come. To the sound of drums, officials from the local executive committee tore off the fabric. Lenin was depicted in a familiar pose - a tourist voting on the highway. His right hand pointed the way to the future. He kept the left one in the pocket of his open coat. The music stopped. In the silence that followed, someone laughed. A minute later the whole square was laughing. Only one person did not laugh. It was Leningrad sculptor Viktor Dryzhakov. The expression of horror on his face gradually gave way to a grimace of indifference and hopelessness. What happened? The unfortunate sculptor sculpted two caps. One covered the leader's head. Lenin clutched the other one in his fist.