Book: The dialogue between therapist and patients in humanistic therapy. Page 2

You don't know what's going on inside you, you'll find that not doing what you really want. You for themselves - the black box, and from it there are things that you do not want. So I say: let's look at the box.

Like many of us, Hal was much more familiar with the objective world than subjective. We are all in some sense pilgrims, expelled from Paradise self-conscious spontaneity of being.

We always thought that we know enough, when you finish your education and become adults. And so we grow, and everyone thinks we're older and we in any case do not know enough. How we cope with the incompleteness of your knowledge, is the key to our feeling of fullness of life. If I need to hide from myself how much I don't know and pretend I have a reasonable and sound basis for all my actions, I have to deny a big part of his awareness - as yourself, and the world in which we live. If I try to avoid these difficulties, you can go the way of Jennifer, attributing responsibility rules by the way Louise, relying on other people, the way Frank, denies all values, or can choose other ways to avoid understanding their own limitations. By doing this, I reduce its vitality.

If I want to feel the meaning of his existence, I need to "trust" their ordinary life. Many of us are accustomed to betray their views, desires and values, if significant or many other people take a different position. When I put aside my own unique understanding of the experience for the sake of momentary satisfaction or seeming security, I break away from his centre. I can be myself only if ready to defend its own existence. But I also understand that in order to do this effectively, you must be prepared to understand the viewpoints of others.

Louise let her inner feeling were suppressed by the expectations of others. She had such a weak sense of your own inner being, which she sincerely doubted that would exist at all if not answered in some way on the needs of others. This doubt Louise was not a figurative expression. She really lost the inner sense of being, which can only arise from experiences of his own life in action. This experience - the immediate feeling I as a process - cannot be replaced. She tried to replace it by others, as well as Larry tried to replace it with image which has been created for others. Neither Louise nor Larry like replacement was not successful. Each of them felt a genuine sense of horror because of the constant feeling of emptiness. This emptiness arose because of the lack of internal center, the inner sense of identity. Louise came to the realization of their individuality and freedom of choice. No longer feeling that it will make her an outcast, she began to become herself.

It is important that as long as Louise tried to deny their individuality and responsibility for one's own life, she could not establish a deep and meaningful relationship with others. When a man like Louise, is life on the other, it's impossible to achieve real intimacy. Intimacy requires the presence of at least two different people. When people can't separate themselves from the beloved, when he can't afford to differ from another, then the only possible parasitic relationship. With unconscious wisdom of Louise escaped such a marriage, in which she inevitably would subject the role of the wife, pulling a cart on itself, and the mother of the Martyr. Her professional life allows her to find those who would want to serve and help, but these people were so numerous and so quickly changed, that there was never a need to completely destroy their internal life - the outcome, which in other circumstances could be very likely. Thus, it naturally happened that when Louise began to assert themselves and their own individuality, she found that entering a more emotionally intimate relationship, a relationship in which her own internal sense played the same role as the wishes of others.

Of course, you can't really avoid responsibility for your actions and your being. Liability neither the left or right, and such an attempt is always destructive to someone trying to do it. I stood up Louise with her obsessive desire to please and thereby showed that the only way to please me - not to be obsequious. In doing so, I exacerbated its contradictions. This tactic output constant inner struggle Louisa.

Louise denied responsibility for themselves and for their own actions. She learned early that helpless and abandoned in a world in which adults themselves are very vulnerable (as shown by the death of her parents), could turn it as they wanted. The only source of security seemed always ready to please others. Louise hardly experienced any domestic awareness and rarely thought about what she wants, because her need for security was identified for her with a need to please others. And she really succeeded.

I of all people (all that exists), and I'm a separate individual, separated from all people (and all that exists). Simultaneity, the real unity of these two contradictory States requires a certain attitude. Usually I realize a single aspect of any separateness or connection; at such moments, the other side seems vague and abstract. But, being a man, I can't break this duality is so easy. I realize both parts, if you want to fully feel alive. So, to achieve realization, I must have some very close relationships, some more formal, and I should be open to his humanity and commonality with all people. At the same time I have to stay in your inner center and to respect their own need for solitude. Only with your own inner feelings, each of us can achieve a balance of these parts.

We must take care to assume any obligations. For a long time - long before its application to psychotherapy - Frank was trying to make your life safe with nihilism. He rejected all values, all relationships, all their own obligations. He thought he was free, but was emotionally deprived and was forced to reject your inner voice. During therapy, Frank ventured to comply with obligations - in the beginning just regularly attending sessions and paying for them. Then he discovered that can buy a lot, after parting with his negativity. This led him to connections with other people, and finally he was able to commit to regular work, the compromise in respect of their appearance and clothing, long-term educational and professional goals. People tend to focus. They are always intentional - at least to some extent (for example, the original intention of Frank - not to have relationships and obligations). If I want to be truly alive, I need to open or create in your inner centre and the intention to move in a certain direction (not necessarily in the sense of social or material achievement). And the sense of a journey is rather in going than in coming.

One of the main principles of human existence is that we need two terms to characterize our relations with others, even if it's a relationship of unity. We are forced to use a somewhat awkward expression "separate-but-linked"[6] to describe what really is a characteristic of our lives. When we are in the greatest disorder with its existence, we experience these two stages as completely different. Our relationships with others do not allow us to obtain solace in loneliness and solitude our only destroys our hopes for a genuine contact with others. On the other hand, when we are most authentic, we sometimes find out how these aspects can truly merge. In the most genuine moments of intimacy between a man and woman who truly love and trust each other, the paradox of separateness but connectedness is overcome. The more one has, the more correct it is another. No more giving and receiving; between me and others, there is no abyss. On the contrary, there is the joy of realization, of a new opening in relations and reaffirm a deep inner response of the partner.

But there are other cases - the moments when we experience our commonality with others. Then we discover that all men fear and hope, love and hate, suffer and worship. Then we discover our humanity, and our inner knowing confirms the deep community of people.

- You are right. OK, so I know that you don't feel right when people find you in warm feelings and compassion, but, Frank, I think the time has come to deal with this awkwardness, so you can live a normal life. I don't think you should continue to stay - at least to the same extent for the myth of the awesome guy who feels no feelings, needs no one and no one is concerned.
- Not so fast, Jim. Frank was really scared. His voice was so hoarse, as if he is on the edge of a precipice, where I probably really pushed.
- Yes, I hear you.
Jim, for a minute I really was able to hear you, and it's a pain in my liver. And you're right, but it scares the hell out of me. Oh my God, Jim, I'm really afraid. I just want to run the hell out of here, run and run without stopping. Want to forget about everything we talked about all the people in the group and especially Jennifer. - His voice was shaking.
This session was one of those magical moments that randomly occur with some patients and never happen with others - a time when people are open towards the inside and can see what usually hides from himself; the moment when I allow in the most secret corners of another soul; a sacred moment.

Each person simultaneously and is part of the other, and separated from all others. Just as we are, for the most part, connected with all other people, we are also forever separated from them all. This constant and, at first glance, contradictory duality is at the basis of all our relationships and permeates the very essence of our existence.